Two weeks ago, I posted my review for Raising Real Men – Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys. You can read my review here and here. This blog features my blog interview with the authors Hal and Melanie Young. I’d like to thank them for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope you enjoy this post!
Michelle: You know how we, as parents, always have the best intentions for our children. We promise to ourselves that we will never do to our children what has been done to us in the past - for the bad things only. But we often find ourselves acting just the way our parents did. So can you tell us a bit about how you and your husband grew up? What made you decide to raise your boys up this way?
Hal and Melanie: We were both in two-child families, one boy, one girl each. We had terrific parents who raised us much like we're raising our sons, but not very analytically! Hal went to public schools, Melanie to a mix of public and Christian school; we were both in church growing up, but Melanie was saved very young and Hal, not until college. The schools and society around us have changed tremendously since then, and we decided to homeschool our children before there were any (Melanie's classes in a Masters of Education program cured us of any illusions about the direction of public schools!). That decision has made the biggest difference, both in the opportunities it's given us and the people that we've been associated with.
One thing we tried to do was explain more than our parents did, the "why" to our children, not just insist on "because I said so." That, we discovered, was a mistake; young children, especially boys, DO need to learn to obey, whether or not they understand or agree! We adapted later to say, "Obey first, and I'll be glad to explain later - if you ask respectfully." That has worked better. There are other things we've tried to avoid from our family history, like losing our temper or holding grudges, with some success (thank you, God!).
Michelle: Psalm 126 talks of planting the seeds with tears and harvesting with joy. Can you share some of the times when you planted with tears? Can you also share your harvest of joy?
Hal & Melanie: Well, all of ours were "planted" with tears, because all of them have been high-risk pregnancies requiring bed rest, sometimes for months, and lots of cost and intervention. However, we have found joy in every one of our children. Bluebirds don't sing every moment of course, but we rejoice to see how God has made each of them unique and to watch as He unfolds their personalities and character over the years. That is a key to our happiness in having a large family; many would have had that first or second "nightmare" pregnancy and said, "No more!" Melanie has always said, what's a few months of trouble and discomfort when you consider a lifetime and an eternal soul?
Of course, there are times of tears in the raising of them, too. We've had times that we struggled with one child or another or a child gravely disappointed us. We think it's important to never give up on a child, but to persist and keep doing what you think is right. When we forgive them, we demonstrate God's love to them. When we continue to expect obedience and holiness, we demonstrate God's righteousness. The joy comes later. So often, when we have struggled and struggled with a child, we seem him come through that testing to walk in strength as a real Christian. We really believe the teen years can be a time of great joy in harvest! It is such a delight to hear our boys express the things we have taught them and hoped for them as their own convictions and beliefs and to see them live those things out in their lives.
Michelle: What would you say are the major differences in raising up boys and girls?
Hal & Melanie: Activity, for one! Boys need action, girls want relationships. That's why boys need a firmer hand in discipline ("Do you really mean it or not?") but the same sharp rebuke just crushes our little girls. We think the traditional views of boys and girls are really pretty sound (i.e. they reflect Biblical truth!), and while boys need to learn to control their rambunctiousness for certain times and places, we don't expect them to be prim like their sisters. We find we have to adapt our teaching to address both genders in the most effective way ... they receive and understand ideas differently.
Michelle: As your sons matured, have you found yourselves comparing your sons' level of maturity with each other when they were the same ages?
Hal & Melanie: To some extent, but we try to avoid the "why can't you be like your brother?" complaint. Actually, each of our boys has particular character strengths and particular weaknesses, so we have the opportunity to praise and to warn by the examples of each of them in turn. One is a hard worker, one is very creative, one is very thoughtful; and at the same time, some have bad tempers, some tend to shirk, some are terrible pests to their brothers. Favoritism is a poison, though, so we have tried strenuously to stay out of that trap. Also, the male ego is a fragile thing, and if bruised it can cause resentment and withdrawal. We try to keep rebuke and correction private unless the offense requires public acknowledgement.
Michelle: A mom with 3 sons usually just allows her sons to play and be rowdy but controlled. She understands that she can't force her sons to sit down and 'behave'. Her problems start when families and friends start to comment about her sons and expect the boys to be more behaved. What can you say about that?
Hal & Melanie: We try to be very sensitive to this - other people aren't used to our active boys, and while they may "overreact" to normal behavior, we don't want to cause offense. We've tried to involve our boys in adult company as much as appropriate and possible, but they've always been made to understand that there is a level of liberty at home that is NOT ALLOWED outside our family. In other words, there are certain things they know not to do "in public." Boys can learn to sit still, it's just that we need to recognize that it's hard work for them! So, they may need to sit quietly for quite a while at church or another event, but we need to show mercy to them and not expect them to come home and take a nap, much as we may want one!
Michelle: Finally, just a personal question: My 2.5 year old toddler, the youngest in the family, has gotten into the habit of throwing things at us. Not only that, he chases her sisters and hurts them by biting them and sometimes, hits them with whatever he's holding. When I look at him, though, it's all in the name of fun and play. He's just laughing gaily away. He doesn't seem to understand that we get hurt when he does those. What can I do to stop him?
Hal & Melanie: He'll understand later; right now, the key concept is "no." He simply has to learn to obey when Mom and Dad say, "Don't bite ... Don't hit ... Don't throw things." He might think it's fun to bully other children when he's bigger, and that wouldn't be right even if he meant it "innocently" -- the same truth applies here. Little children understand a WHOLE lot more than we give them credit for. We'd have done things differently when our oldest was a toddler if we'd recognized that ... and we paid for it when we had to train him better at age 4 and onward!
In general, boys enjoy a lot more give and take, wrestling and competition than mothers or sisters are comfortable with. Our boys have got to be taught that it ceases to be friendly competition when anyone is hurt or offended. I just had to remind our sons of this while I was typing! "If your brother is offended or hurt, you must immediately stop what you are doing and restore the relationship." How do you do that? By showing concern and asking for forgiveness. That way, the unity of your family is protected.
If you would like to read a chapter of Raising Real Men – Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys, you can do so here.
